I watched the first Twilight movie. SHUN ME NOW!! I knew it was coming on FX and I was bored, my whole mind set was, well, I’m not spending money, it’s going to be on anyway, and I really want to find out what the big deal was about this series that drove so many people wild. So here’s what I saw, if you are a die hard Twilight fan I suggest you look away now, or you’re going to get offended. Keep in mind, I have seen the movie before, when it came out in theaters me and my boyfriend at the time went and saw it, I’m sorry Ricky, I really had no idea… I ended up falling asleep. So when I came back to it yesterday, I thought “I’m going to look at this with no bias and just see what people like about it” Anyway, these are the things I noticed.
So to start off, everything, and I mean EVERYTHING is grey or shades of blue, This Bella chick comes to a new school, and just like every other girl coming in during the middle of the year, she makes a small yet goofy horde of friends right off the bat. Of course she ignores these new friendships and broods over the Cullen family. Everything that the kids do to cheer her up, she has a moody counteract to it all. My whole mind set was “I would love to have friends like that” There’s actually a part where she literally says “I’m more of the suffer in silence type.” What part of you is suffering?! Ok, I get it, you came from a hot hot dessert to a cool and cloudy mountain town, but these people are literally welcoming you with open arms and all you’re going to do is mope. She acts like they are bullying her, there’s a part where her mom asks her how she’s doing and she makes some little snarky comment acting like she’s miserable. She was literally given a TRUCK when she just got there, sure it’s not a brand new Lexus, but I would love a truck like that, it’s a real car. Anyway, right when she sees the Cullen family she creams herself. Turns out of course she has a class with the Edward person is right next to her. Apparently she didn’t change her underwear because Edward smells something nasty. It isn’t like he smelled something good and is trying to control himself, it’s just like, he smelt an old abandoned fish market, where they forgot to take a pile of fish out. One thing I noticed, it was completely awkward from the very beginning. I mean EVERY SINGLE interaction is rediculously forced and terribly awkward. It’s funny, because when Bella starts to figure out that good ol Edward is a vampire she says “You talk like you’re from a different time” In my mind, she meant the stone ages, he never says anything intelligent. Anyway, the relationship kicks off from that single awkward moment in science class it was love that was meant to be.
So there were a few things besides the awkward dialog and super grey atmosphere. Let’s start off big, the huge scene that honestly made the entire movie, when Edward admitted to what he was. First, he scoops Bella up, romantically piggy back style. But that wasn’t the problem. When he ran, you know, when they do that super fast speed, where their feet blur out and the top half of their body is fine like a cartoon character from the 80s, his feet and legs didn’t match how he was moving and when she was riding it was absolutely smooth. I know that they aren’t going to get Robert Pattinson to be able to run up a mountain side, but they could have made it look better, it looked like they were sliding up, it was stupidly smooth. Alright, so they get above the cloud bank, finding a sliver of sunlight, and then! The Big moment! The sparkle skin! It wasn’t the fact that his skin was sparkly, it was the fact that the sparkle had sound effects! Actual twinkling noises. And it didn’t just happen during the scenes when it was the main point, when they were laying out in the field, the sparkle noise happened and faded out as the camera zoomed away. Are you hearing me?! Because I heard the sparkles! Another thing that threw me off, the fact that their bodies blurred out when they weren’t moving very fast. I get it, they can go fast, but when they were doing a light jog, like when they were playing the baseball game and the warewolf things came, they all jogged towards each other, but there was still a blur! I had an argument with my friend about this, he said that they were moving super fast speed and they slowed it down, but they really weren’t just jogging towards each other.Edward is, what? 70+ years old right? At least, but he’s always awkward when talking to anyone. He stutters and acts like a nervous school girl, he also always acts like someone is grinding his nuts, poor guy.
Anyway, I really, and I mean REALLY can’t find any reason anyone would like this, and don’t tell me that the other movies get better, I will never get that hour and a half of my life back, and I don’t usually regret things, but I really regret this. I don’t get it, I mean Robert Pattinson isn’t a bad actor, he’s actually pretty good in other movies, he just really isn’t good in this one. So if it’s not the acting, it has to be the writing? I know Stephanie Meyers isn’t a very good writer, don’t ask me which words they are, because I’m not going back and looking for it, but she makes up three words that weren’t previously in the English Language, or any language for that matter. And it wasn’t like she did it on purpose, she tried to sound smart but ended up using words that didn’t exist. I have nothing against Robert Pattinson, if anything, I have respect for him. I’m not a fan of Kristen Stewert, just because, well, she’s awkward and a pretty bad actress. Anyway, I’m sure there’s about 100 different things I want to say about this movie, but I can’t think of it right now, I think the movie made me brain dead…